More Than Less
I think this sobriety recovery thing is pretty great. Even when it’s not very exciting. Even when it’s not even advancing–it’s better than feeling anxious all the time and sliding backwards like before.
Yeah it’s not perfect. There are still days of the blues and days of confusion and exhaustion and bleh. But now I know it’s a temporary state. I can recognize and observe it, instead of getting sucked in and believing it.
It wasn’t always like that. Way back when I only knew two directions – forward or backward, both always at full speed. So exhausting.
I’ve come to believe the periods of not moving forward are okay as long as I’m not moving backwards. Standing still and holding my ground is better than holding on for dear life while drowning in a boozy undertow.
I know I am on an upward spiral, constantly moving, constantly somewhere in the cycle. As long as there are no drugs or alcohol involved, I am experiencing recovery in real life. And sometimes, it’s uncomfortable.
I remember an AA meetings from very early on. Some guy said how on the map, we never get to that big giant W in the middle of the ocean. It’s not a place; it’s a direction, an ideal to aim for.
Our recovery is not a “there.” It’s really a “here”––wherever “here” is. It’s feeling good more often instead of less. It’s getting back into the game sooner rather than later, more quickly and easily than the times before.
And not freaking out when things are blah, or even calm. Not being addicted to drama–not creating it or wallowing in it.
It’s being mindful enough to catch myself mid-thought and remembering that my thoughts influence my life. Being aware of the power that a thought can have, even all by itself. And when it’s strung to a series of thoughts, it can go south so quickly if I’m not paying attention.
At any time, any of us is only one thought away from despair, victim-ness, and defeat. Troubling thoughts can sneak in from out of the blue––and run wild.
Even when I’m not capable of jumping onto a more positive train of thought in the moment, I can put the brakes on the negative one. And be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
In gratitude, harmony, and support,