‘Til I Reach My Highest Ground
Balance. Middle Ground. That’s seems almost as elusive as perfection to me, but a much more worthy aim. And the good news is, there’s more of a range to aim for. It’s not an absolute, finite spot to hit or miss.
The only absolute I need is that I absolutely may not drink alcohol or do recreational drugs. Ever. And even that’s getting easier to conceive of and accept. I no longer miss those things – even though “one day at a time” does have a nice ring and is a reliable mantra for so much more than addictions. I realize that my “go-to fix” is not anything outside myself anymore.
When I was an awkward teen (and beyond), I ricocheted between a feverish focus on losing weight, or upon inevitably falling off the wagon, feverishly gaining. Ditto with drinking and other bad habits. I had no idea how to just maintain any solid middle ground and simply coast. I was constantly in mental motion, a state of agitation.
In hindsight I see that was normal for the abnormal way my alcoholic brain would think. Never content, or feeling like I was “enough,” I was spinning in constant circles, going nowhere.
Now, even thinking of that time feels exhausting, and like somebody else’s head. Mine is no longer like that. Not so frantic and frenetic in there. Yeah I still have my fair share of chitter chatter going on but I’m learning to be more tuned into it so it doesn’t run me ragged or off a cliff. As much. I am learning to refocus it, redirect and usher it much sooner toward a more constructive direction. And not take myself so seriously. But of course taking my mental and emotional health, and my sobriety very seriously. This whole recovery experience is a meandering stream, not an iron beam. Or a whirling dervish.
I’m learning to cut myself some slack and celebrate or at least acknowledge when I’m holding my emotional balance more steadily. For years I hid the extent of my drinking. Then for a time I trumpeted my recovery. Today it’s more about trying to embody it and live it so I can comfortably share it.
Striving to reach the top is an option. These days, it’s the middle where I feel at home.
Is there some activity or behavior that you do to extremes? What would a middle ground look like?
What is something that you are comfortably enjoying and maintaining that you can celebrate and rejoice in?
In gratitude, harmony and support,